I initially started this blog as a way to document my healing journey and share some of the insights gained along the way.
The posts were in chronological order and I began writing about my treatment path, which was a long list of conventional and alternative therapies.
If I had continued to write in order, the next part of the story should have been about my trip to Latvia and the many life long lessons I took away from that trip.
That trip also resulted in me finally accepting the chemotherapy that I had tried desperately to avoid.
My time on chemo definitely deserves a blog post of its own. One of the reasons being, to show other cancer patients how powerful the mind can be during such a hard time and the true potential of the human spirit.
But it isn’t just cancer patients who could benefit from hearing such stories. At some point in our lives, almost everyone will experience some type of struggle or hardship. My intention with this blog was to shine a light on this profound journey I’ve found myself on, and the miracles experienced along the way. To show what’s possible when we come together as human beings and just how much we can do for each other.
I have said this many times in the past, and I will no doubt repeat it many times throughout my life. I was saved by other people. If I had gone on this journey alone, I don’t think it would have ended this way. After such an experience, how can I be anything but grateful?
The perfectionist in me wanted the blog posts to flow neatly in the correct order of events. However, I never quite felt ready to go back and relive the worst parts of the journey. I know I will definitely sit down and do this one day.
I’m happy to report that l I have given up on the unrealistic expectations that the perfectionist was trying to uphold. I have accepted my current state which is mostly scattered and seemingly random. That’s because I find myself flowing in real time, rather than trying to orchestrate life.
As a result, I’ve decided to start writing on a more regular basis - in real time.
It has been two years since that fateful day when the doctor read out my cancer diagnosis. In that time I have been on quite a roller coaster ride, but it was all worth it as it all contributed to bringing me to this current state.
I was one of the lucky ones. My cancer diagnosis cracked me open and for a brief period of time I got to experience that blissful state of openness. I trusted in the natural unfolding of events, and knew that cancer was just a part of that journey for me. But most importantly of all - I felt the connectedness and above all an overwhelming abundance of love.
This state was so profound that I remember telling my husband I would rather live a week in this state than another 30 years sleeping. My experience of the world had been taken to a different level. In that state, I just knew.
I appreciate that a lot of this won’t make much sense. It certainly wouldn’t have made any to me if I had read about it before experiencing it on my own skin. Unfortunately the fast paced world we live in doesn’t really allow us to experience life on this level. But take it from someone who was briefly gifted this blessed state - it’s worth every second of the search.
So that is where I have been during these many months of silence. Trying to find my way back to that blessed state that was gifted to me as part of my cancer diagnosis.
When I first noticed this state was beginning to fade, I was quite disheartened, borderline depressed. My attempts to hold onto it seemed desperate and in vain. This was the low point of my journey.
However the stubbornness that drove my family crazy, came in handy in this instance. I never gave up on the search, because I knew it would all be worth it.
Now I know it isn’t a search for a fixed state, but rather a process of growth and evolution. It takes time, patience and dedication. It begins with setting the intention to make this a priority in life then making time for it. It’s not a smooth upward incline. The mountain seems huge and at times it feels like you’re standing still or even going backwards. I know it’s such a cliche, the whole ‘never give up’ but it honestly seems to be the answer. Not to be too disheartened by the inevitable setbacks.
Now I feel like I’m preaching so I might end this blog post here.
Thank you for taking the time to read my lengthy post, I promise to write more in the near future.